I’m so afraid of being happy again. This time, last year, I was happy. I remember it exactly. The feeling. I was so in love. I was so so in love. I was in such a beautiful place in life, Lebron got his second ring, my friends were all good, and my family was good, I was financially sound.. I didn’t even have to work. If I could bottle how happy I was a year ago and sell it, it would make me a millionaire.
I’m happy right now, mostly. But not the same. Not blissfully, over the top, can’t change it happy. I can’t complain about how my life is. I have everything I could possibly want, it’s just.. I saw how my life fell apart after those months and the disaster that was stirring covered with the mask of summer. When you’re as happy as I was, you don’t notice shit. You don’t notice the love of your life losing interest in you. You don’t notice the pain your friends are experiencing. You don’t plan for the future as you should. You just think happiness is easy, and it makes sense.
And I believed that so honestly. I believed in my happiness and the love that I had for people. Have you ever asked a genuinely happy person for advice? It sounds stupid. Read the advice I gave people a year ago, I sounded like Bob Marley. Like yeah, just let it go you’ll feel better. My mind is so conflicted now and I’ve learned to much. I just don’t know if I get regain my naive mind, I wish I could. I hope I can. I don’t know, maybe I’m better like this. Sheltered from myself.
But who am I kidding, it’s in my nature to be naive. And love is my of being. I guess I’m only writing this because I know I’m about to enter that realm of happiness again and fuck it’s scary.



World Famous BBQ

I barely ever stay home anymore, I just don’t want to be by myself. I feel like I’m wasting time. After everything that’s been happening in my house this last month, I feel nomadic. That was never me, I was always a homebody. Now I find myself able to sleep anywhere, wake up anywhere, go out everywhere and I can’t decide if I’m running away from something or looking for it. I was waiting for all these changes to happen and, now they have, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I can’t decide if my decisions are good or bad. I’m paranoid that things are going to catch up to me, so that means it was bad. But it all makes me so happy, so how is it not good. And it’s like maybe if I keep pushing it I’ll reach something. I imagine everywhere I want to be, with who, what I want to do, but I don’t make any moves. I live the mundane 9-5 and then try to squeeze everything else into my time off. But I’m tired of my life being pressed for time. I’m tired of waiting for the end. I don’t want to do what I don’t want to do. I harvest the most obscene amount of arrogance inside me, but I’m still so scared of potential. Sometimes I just stir the pot to see what the fuck it’s going to taste like. I guess, I just want more but I want less. Maybe if I keep peeling back all these layers I’ll find it, whatever it is. 


Today was my last undergrad college class ever. I’ve made such a big deal out of this because it means everything to me, and I don’t think people understand that. As much as I’ve loved my last few years of school it’s been such a struggle. Everyone gives that “school just isn’t for me” line but no, school wasn’t for me either. I’ve been the most mediocre student my entire life, my average even right now is a strong C as it has been for as long as I can remember.

I mean, up until high school I was in special ed because I could not focus and I was dyslexic. When I tell you I hate sitting in school wether it was elementary, middle school, high school I mean it. Anyways, I went to three different colleges. When I graduated high school, I had no clue in this world what I wanted to do with my life. Not like I know much more now, but nonetheless I started in community college. I was “majoring” in business. I didn’t even know how to spell business, I honestly used to write “buisness”. I don’t regret that in the slightest though. I saved money, I saved huge losses, I hated community college but it taught me that I needed a small classroom. So I dropped out after a few years, I went to Fashion Institute of Technology, and majored in fashion merchandising.. which, I hated. I love fashion but I was learning nothing. I was surrounded by people who were so superficial, they were all rich and studying abroad. I felt like they loved fashion because it was passing time, and they needed a degree. I love fashion because I love to express myself, I love how clothes are made, I love colors, I love shapes, I love emotions. I didn’t love FIT. They had awesome flea markets on campus though, bought some really good clothes while I was there. 

Then, alas, I found my school. Manhattan College. I’m not going to say it’s for everybody, but I majored in English because my Dad majored in English. I told myself that I had to get a degree somehow, and I loved reading so if I have to finish somehow I can do it by reading. I wont sit here and write a dedication about how I’ve learned so much and I’ve loved my professors, but I have. English classes have taught me everything, they’ve fueled so much creativity and have made me question so much. There’s only a handful of English professors in my school, the department is small, so I’ve had each one multiple times and generally have class with students from my major and.. there are no words for how much I’ll miss that environment. Of being able to sit in a circle and discuss things that we all feel are important, what spoke to us in the reading, our opinions, how it shapes everything. It taught me that school might not be for you, but if I hadn’t been forced to learn half of these things I’d still be dating boys who aren’t worth me, sitting with half full dreams, pursuing things that don’t matter, dwelling in relationships that are translucent. The things I’ve been forced to question and ponder in college have made me colorful.

This is so wordy, and long, and random, and I’m somewhat sorry (but not sorry) if you have read the whole thing. But I say all of this, all of these words, to say this: please do not forget that growth is also change, so don’t be neglect change. Please do not be afraid of it. Don’t be afraid of failing, and don’t be afraid of new learning things that change your entire view on life. When you meet a new idea dwell on it, form an opinion, question if you agree, find a reason. Don’t be afraid to to say that something wasn’t right for you, don’t be afraid to say that it is right for you. When you graduate high school at 17ish/18ish, you can not even fathom how much your life isn’t going to change by the time you reach twenty-something. I do think that college is important if you don’t know exactly what you’re looking for, there are thousands and thousands of schools in this country. Some have lecture halls, some have 10 student classrooms, some don’t even have classrooms. Search for somewhere beautiful to expand yourself, or follow your dreams. Do not give up on yourself and please never stop educating yourself. That’s all.

Anonymous asked: I miss you guys' show so much, is it ever coming back!?

Probs not, but thank you

People are asking me what has happened to my blog and I think I owe it to everyone who supports me through whatever some sort of explanation. My blog was really steady for months until about January and that is the same to say for my life. January hit and well, I went through a breakup, which was a shock to me. I hate sounding like a girl from a movie but, I felt really lost. I was very comfortable for two years and bam. Then I started my last semester of school, and a new internship that consumed all my time (and it was hell) and I was still working. I was extremely overwhelmed, everything in my life was either starting or ending and I felt like.. who the hell am I anymore, every morning. I wasn’t even sad, I was just like, looking at myself like I wasn’t me. So I took time to figure out who I was, who I am, who I want to be, and so on and so forth.

Well, now I have some grounding again even though there are still other parts of my life that are going left and right and all over the place. Though I love my blog so much, it needs so revamping to go along with my own revamping. Which is why I’m starting this new project with myself and three of my closest friends to show the world what we’ve been through, how we get through it, and how we excel. I’ll still continue changing this blog around, introducing some more personal aspects and some more style aspects. So I just want to thank everyone who’s stayed with me and expressed anything to help me. I hope the project with my friends will be out within the next few weeks and I’m really excited for everyone to see it, but I just wanted to once again thank everyone for cares because it means the world to me.

sideofjupiter asked: where did you get that shelving unit that's behind you in all of your pictures?

Lol probably either pier 1 or the container store